


Turn Left at the Ottomans

by Lyall_Lupa



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Getting lost in IKEA, M/M, Mostly Crack, Shimada brothers trying to be brothers again, Some fluff and a slight touch of angst, You should never listen to Torb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 13:04:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17426417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyall_Lupa/pseuds/Lyall_Lupa
Summary: On the Lindholm's suggestion, Hanzo and McCree go to IKEA. Shenanigans happen.





	Turn Left at the Ottomans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Linaloe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linaloe/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I have never been to IKEA, since it doesn't exist in my country, so this is all based on their websites, and personal anecdotes from other people.  
> I love Abba, but I know it's not everybody's cup of tea XD

Hanzo knew he shouldn’t have trusted Torbjorn on this. OF COURSE he was going to say that IKEA was a great idea. OF COURSE he was going to say that the furniture was easy to assemble. The guy is an engineer who designed omnics? Why, in the name of the dragons, did Hanzo and Jesse agree that IKEA was a good idea? As he tried to make sense of the assembly instructions for the hundredth time in an hour, while Jesse cursed in several languages at the stupid nightstand, the events of the day started parading in his mind.

It had all started with a nightstand. Until very recently, Hanzo had been more than satisfied with using an old fruit box, big enough to put a small lamp, his tablet, and cables. He hadn’t needed anything else until he started dating Jesse, when a more private space next to his bed proved necessary to keep the...essentials at hand. He had mentioned it to Jesse a couple nights ago, suggesting a trip to town on the next day off. Of course, Torbjorn had to overhear ,and suggest IKEA, being seconded by a very enthusiastic Brigitte. Hanzo was not very convinced, since the closest one was in Spain, but Jesse’s puppy eyes, and the promise of getting some good Swedish sweets and some Spanish turron on the way back sold him. (curse his sweet tooth).

The trip was nice and peaceful, but on arriving to the store, Hanzo, the fearless scion of the Shimada, felt his knees getting weak. The place was HUGE and crowded. He could feel his willpower faltering, but he managed to control himself out of sheer stubbornness, giving Jesse a weak smile, while he chastised himself. He was a former yakuza, the former leader of the Shimada-gumi... how could he be afraid of a furniture store?

As the huge doors opened, he almost lost his composure. Holy mother of dragons, the place was even bigger on the inside. Internally cursing Torbjorn and all his ancestors up to the vikings, he walked close to Jesse as they looked for the nightstand. It turned out that the place was a bloody maze, and before they could actually find the right section, they had managed to get ten other items that they didn't need but were pretty. They had also eaten a portion of Swedish meatballs each, and they had bought a varied selection of Swedish foods, including dried elk sausage, a huge bag of assorted candy, about a dozen bars of chocolate, and several bottles of Snaps.

“If we are going to endure this nightmare, we must make sure that we have enough alcohol to wipe our minds of the memory” had said a gloomy Hanzo.  
“I don’t know what’s worse, darlin’: the meatballs, or the fact they seem to have been playing the same Abba album since we arrived” replied Jesse, grimacing as “Waterloo” played for what seemed to be the tenth time.  
“The meatballs, definitely the meatballs. They were an insult to meat, balls, meatballs, and Sweden” deadpanned Hanzo, making McCree chuckle.

Three hours after they entered for the first time, they admitted to being lost and asked for directions to one of the employees, who answered in broken English with a helpful “Turn left at the ottomans. Somehow, they finally managed to get to the section they needed, and selected an adequate nightstand...only to realize that they seemed to be lost again, and had no idea on how to get to the tills. They tried to retrace their steps, using the ottomans as a reference, but it was no use. Hanzo’s fragile hold to sanity was on the verge of breaking, and he could feel the beginnings of a panic attack coming up on his chest. His breath hardened, as he hyperventilated, but McCree kept his cool and started their usual protocol:

“Hanzo, I am with you. Breathe with me, sweetie”

As Hanzo started to breathe rhythmically with Jesse’s help, he felt his head clearing, and his chest less oppressed. Being able to speak a bit, he just said “Let’s get out of here”

They kept on walking trying to find their way to the tills, getting more and more frustrated as they walked, until they finally spotted an employee, who got the fright of his life when he saw them coming out of apparently nowhere: flushed, disheveled, and looking every bit the murderous assholes that they were.

“Where are the tills?” snarled Hanzo, making the young attendant tremble.  
“Perdon, señor No hablo ingles. No se que esta diciendo” the poor kid managed to answer, almost crying.  
“Hanzo, darling, the kid here doesn’t speak English. Let me try” intervened McCree, putting his biggest smile on his face. “Por favor, podrias decirnos donde están las cajas?”.  
“Caminen hasta el fondo, y luego a la izquierda. Alli las veran”, replied the much calmer attendant.  
“Muchas gracias” replied Jesse, and turn to speak to Hanzo. “Okay, darlin, we have to walk in that direction until the end, and then left”  
“Since when do you speak Spanish?”  
“Since I learned to speak. Granted, I speak Mexican spanish, but I can manage other varieties without much trouble”  
“Useful skill to have. Maybe you can teach me?”  
“Sure, but let’s get out of here first”  
“You are absolutely right”

Hurrying to the tills with their parcels, they paid and started the return to the Watchpoint, their backseat full of bags.

“What a nightmare” said Hanzo, slumping on his seat.  
“I didn’t know the mighty Hanzo Shimada would be defeated by IKEA”  
“I am sure that place was designed by the gods to punish mortals. A massive warehouse, everything is arranged like a maze, and the meatballs are of subpar quality”  
“Ugh, yeah. The roadkill burger at Deadlock Gorge was tastier”  
“And why are the Swedish so obsessed with Abba?”  
“The same way y’all loved jpop in Japan, darlin’  
“Good point. At least we got all these sweets, even those licorice ones the Lindholms asked for”  
“And the alcohol, darlin’. That’s the best thing”  
Hanzo smiled and nodded with his head, as Jesse continued its drive towards the Watchpoint.

As they arrived to the baset, they were welcomed by the sight of Genji sitting on the roof.

“Hello brother, Jesse. How was your trip?”  
“A nightmare, but we made it worth our time” answered Hanzo  
“How? Did you kill anyone? Set the store on fire?”  
“No...well. Almost” said Hanzo, sheepishly.  
“Hanzo, you never change” said Genji, with a huge grin and an exaggerated rolling of his eyes.  
“Shush, you knock-off Power Ranger, and get down from there” teased Jesse. “I know for a fact that your brother got you a present”  
“Presents…” corrected Hanzo, as Genji jumped down.  
“What is the occasion? Have you forgotten when my birthday is, brother?”  
“I could never forget that, sparrow. I just wanted to get you something.”  
“That’s...great, actually. Thank you” smiled Genji. “Do you guys need help taking the bags to the room?”  
“Genji, just because we are a couple years older than you doesn’t mean that we are ancient” replied Jesse. “But we could totally use another pair of hands to deal with the nightstand”  
“I can do that!”

As they walked to Hanzo’s room, Genji got the full story about their misadventures; his laughter echoed in the halls, and Hanzo felt grateful for being able to listen to that laugh once again.

Once inside the room, they dropped the bags on the floor, and started emptying them out.  
After leaving aside the duvet, sheets, pillows, and assorted foods, Hanzo gave Genji a big bag, encouraging him to open it. Genji tore the bag, finding a heavy, green blanket.  
“Hanzo, this is beautiful…”  
“I know you have enough blankets, Genji, but I got this one for a reason. I’ve been talking to Zenyatta and he told me about...the…”  
“The panic attacks? The nightmares?” whispered Genji.  
Hanzo swallowed and continued “Yes, those. And I know that a weighted blanket can help. I mean,this is not exactly one, but it’s heavy and soft, and is your favourite colour and I thought...it could help you”  
“That’s very kind of you, brother. Thank you”  
“Don’t say that. I am not kind, and you know it”  
“And you know I think that’s bullshit, and I have told you that I forgive you, and to please stop punishing yourself”  
Before Hanzo could answer, McCree interrupted “While I appreciate that you two are finding it easier to speak about your issues, I think we could do it another time. Hanzo has more presents for you”  
“As you say, Jesse”, answered Genji, bowing his head slightly as the same time Hanzo did.  
Looking a bit gloomier, Hanzo gave Genji a bigger bag, which felt surprisingly light for its size. Genji opened it and found what looked like a rolled-up, thin mattress.

“It’s a mattress topper.” explained Hanzo. “I know the beds here are not the best for your back, and I thought this could help”  
“How did you know about that?”  
“Zenyatta. Angela. Jesse”  
“Thank you, Hanzo. I love them”  
“Wait a moment, there is something else” said Hanzo, digging into the bags of sweets and handing a few chocolate bars to Genji.  
“Hanzo! You shouldn’t have! You spent so much money on me. I don’t deserve all this”  
Hanzo punched Genji’s arm playfully, and said, in a slightly choked tone “Well, I have ten years to catch up with presents. Get used to it”  
Genji just smiled, and jumped on Hanzo, hugging him tight, while the latter tried to pretend he didn’t like it.

“Excuse me, darlin’s, but we have a nightstand to assemble, and a certain ninja here said he would help”  
“True! Let’s tackle that, so I can continue making my big brother deal with emotions”

Assembling the nightstand was easier said than done. After two hours, they were no close to assemble it than at the start, and that’s the point in which Hanzo and Jesse had reached maximum frustration. Alcohol had already started to flow, and the Shimadas had joined Jesse in the multilingual cursing of IKEA and Torb,, until Athena popped up and asked:

“Excuse me, agents. Would you need me calling someone to help you? Like Agent Lindholm?”  
“Thank you, Athena, you are a dear, but I think his integrity would be at risk if he faces a pissed off cowboy, plus two drunk, angry Shimadas with big dragons. Is there anyone else who can help?  
“Actuall, Agent Oxton can probably help you. She used to do a lot of furniture assembling back in the day.”  
“Sure, send her in. Thank you, again. You are a dear”  
“No problem, Agent McCree”

Only a couple minutes later, Tracer barged through the door, where she was presented with the pieces of the nightstand. She gave a quick look at it, grabbed some tools, and started working so fast that the men were getting whiplash. Five minutes later, a beautiful nightstand was ready, and jaws were dropping.

“Tracer, what kind of magic did you use?”  
“Lesbian magic! We can assemble anything!”  
“Hmm, useful to know” said McCree. “I guess you will come with us on the next trip”  
As Tracer let out an enthusiastic “yes!, Hanzo fell despair coming over him, and decided to never listen to the Lindholms again.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic came out from the collective insanity of the Target Practice Discord. Thank you, everybody <3  
> Thanks to Rykeld for the title.  
> It goes to Linaloe, whose IKEA experience was a big inspiration.
> 
> As per usual, apologies for my English.  
> Leave comments if you can <3 <3


End file.
